For you daddy.

It has been nearly a year since I've last posted to this blog. So much has happened and so much remains the same.





Today is my little sister's 28th birthday. Happy birthday, Sara. I love you more than ever now. I respect you as a person and treasure you as the only person who knows the real me, good and bad. I wish we were celebrating rather than preparing. Let's do Mardi Gras for your 30th.





I cuddle my son and I drink in all the newness of him. I watch his little expressions and wonder at how much he needs me. I still need my mom too. I am struggling with the decision not to run home and help her with my father. You see, my dad is dying. He doesn't have cancer, he isn't suffering from anything that wasn't treatable. He is dying from choices he made long ago. Choices that not only affected him, but everyone who loves him.





My dad has cirrhosis and likely emphysema. He is in acute organ failure. His brain has become cyanotic. I pray he slips into sleep and doesn't wake up. I pray that he makes it through the night as not to burden my sister on her birthday. I pray for my mother, who is strong and good and loving. She holds his hand and accepts he gave her 33 years and can't give another.





He had a good, lucid day yesterday. He remembered he has three daughters and four grandchildren (three boys and one girl). He talked to me for a few minutes in clarity which I appreciated. He will miss us all, but he is at peace. He saw a priest yesterday who gave him his last rites. He said, even having not been to church in over 20 years, that he finally confessed those sins that vexed him the most.

I have a hard time believing in heaven or an afterlife. Despite being raised as a Roman Catholic and still finding comfort in some of the ritual, I don't digest a lot of the teachings well. I think that death is the end. It is scary and will probably scare me more as I age or become sick. I think people only live on in legacy. I think that we are what we leave in others, what we instill in our children and grandchildren. We are those who we've touched in our lifetimes. My dad will live on in lots of people.


I'll share some stories tomorrow, when I am not as exhausted or emotional (yeah right, it is going to be a long battle for me). I guess I will just share as I feel the need or as the stories surface. There are a lot of them I'd like to remember and to share with not only my children, but those who know me. It may give you a glimpse into the person I am and part of the reason behind it.

and it drags on and on and on and on ... and on

Two more weeks and no progress, still...


... yes, I know these things can take years. We haven't heard about any of the houses we've applied to rent yet either.


Yay us, stuck. We may never make it back to Boulder City and that is a truly depressing thought.


So, walking into our old home today was horrid... it was literally like everyone there just up and left (we did). There are unwashed dishes, there is laundry in the baskets and our beds are unmade. I have half-finished projects in my craft room and I found a few of RJ's homework assignments and class projects waiting to be taken to Tae Kwon Do for credit.


We still don't have test results although they are expected (by us anyway) this week. Another $2000 we will be out of pocket and no end in sight.

The Little Things

Going on our third week today it has been all of the little things that we miss the most. Sleeping in your own bed, not shushing your children 500 times not to annoy someone, cooking in your own kitchen. We catch ourselves saying "sure, let me just get the .... oh, no, sorry kids, that is at home" far too often.

Even though things haven't changed much, still ... we are trying to remain upbeat and are hoping to get into our own place again within the next week or two. Our host has been more than gracious, and hasn't complained about our crap everywhere or our loud and obnoxious children... but we still feel like we are imposing on her life. It is hard not to feel that way, not matter how much she loves us.

Not much progress, no test results, the waiting game continues ...

Another week, another issue ... and some progress

Well it has been another week since we officially moved out of our apartment with little to no progress from the other side. I am not sure if their stalling will be good or bad for us, but eventually they will have to answer.

Our things are still there and will remain so until things are resolved... or at least until test results confirm just how bad things actually are. Our kids miss their beds, their friends and their toys still, very much so. We are trying to keep them entertained and they are comfortable where we are staying. They have their own rooms (for once) to play and watch TV in. They have dogs to play with (they've insisted we get some of our own ASAP -- but we are still hesitant!). Rent will be paid to the court if necessary and although we can hope things will be resolved in a timely fashion, we are not holding our breath.

RJ has been very, very, very ill. We had to take him to the emergency room on Monday night. He was diagnosed with a sinus infection and a severe double ear infection last Thursday and even on antibiotics he proceeded to get worse and worse. He has a hacking cough and the fever was 103.5 even after ibuprofen and acetaminophen. He was nauseous, delirious and felt so dizzy he screamed he was falling while laying flat on his back on the floor. His eyes were red, his cheeks were flushed and he cried out in pain anytime something brushed his skin. The doctors got his fever under control and gave him a shot of steroids. He had xrays to check if he had pneumonia or a mold infection, both of which showed negative (we found out this afternoon) thank goodness. We now have to have blood tests to determine if mycotoxins are present in any of us. We are hoping the full on exposure was short enough that none of us will experience any long term effects.

Long term we hope to be back on our feet by March. We await all the proper forms to file our taxes (to finish paying the mold inspector and hopefully everyone who has or will donate back), and my parents are going to help us with the deposit on a new place back in the BC (we are living about 20 miles away from home -- which doesn't seem like a lot until you make the round trip 3 times a day in a car with two pouting children).

Other than that, if you want the nitty gritty, you know what to do. Love to all, and yes -- those thoughts and prayers are carrying us through each day.

Devastating Progress

I've been cautioned by some not to put too much out there in regards to exactly what is happening "just in case"

Well, yesterday after all the waiting was devastating news. Everything we own is possibly contaminated and we've been warned not to remove anything from the house. All my material, although cleanable is not currently available for use. Business wise, in our current situation, I stand to lose even more. I will have to re-buy a large amount of inventory just to fill outstanding orders, or refund outright and be out cost plus.

Aubrey still doesn't get it and he cries are pitiful. We hope to have new housing within the next week or two, but refurnishing will take some time.

I never thought, at almost 30, that I would have to start all over again. When things are this low, I pray it only goes up from here.

Just Like Home ... or NOT

So our home away from home for a night was rather, ummmm.... uh ....

The shower had zero water pressure, it literally just misted you. I was colder when I got out than when I went in. I didn't bother to wash my hair because I would have had soap in it all day. The window looked like it could have been opened, but it was screwed shut. Towels barely covered RJ and were so thin you could see through them.

We found out the mattresses were fairly new (thank goodness) because the sheets did not stay on well at all. We certainly needed the blankets since the ancient wall heater did nothing for warmth and was a huge safety hazard with young children. It was scorching hot to the touch while barely raising the temperature of the room more than a couple degrees.

The TV was so old it didn't even have a place to hook up the RCA cables to entertain the kids with video games or a movie. Add to it that the TV cabinet blocked half of the bathroom door, the refrigerator sounded like it was going to explode and the microwave took 18 minutes to warm water and you have a family vacation ala Griswold!

Seriously though, the lady gave us guff about how cheap it was ($66.08) and that we couldn't get a AAA discount because her price was from 2003 and that we didn't have to leave our apartment (until I asked her if she would be okay breathing in feces). Ahhhhh, heaven.

How Do You Explain It To a 2 Year Old?

Aubrey seems to be the one who has been affected by this change the most. She is whinier than normal, she is mean and she cries a lot. She asks over and over and over to go home. We tell her that we can't go home right now and she is inconsolable. She even wanted to go to her room when Matt made her stand with her nose in the corner (for bad behavior). What kid asks to go to their room as punishment and then bawls because they can't?

RJ is acting out in his own ways and slightly manipulating the situations. He plays more video games than usual because we feel bad.

We did have a few bright spots yesterday. The boys won their baseball game against the toughest team in our league. We were down 8-2 going into the 4th inning. We got 2 hits, a few walks and scored 3 runs. We were on our last out and the best hitter (who Matt calls Hollywood) steps up to the plate. The pitcher was all over the place and on a full count, Hollywood golf swings and hits a line drive down first base and way out of the park. He clears the bases and we are up by one. We were the away team so the club ball team comes up, with the top of their lineup (the best hitters). Hollywood is on the mound and he strikes out the side, one-two-three. The kids went NUTS, Matt and the other two coaches went NUTS and the other team stood there with their jaws on the floor -- the Cougars were beaten by some nobody team from Boulder City.

Then at five o'clock RJ was able to have his birthday party at Chuck E Cheese, with three of his best friends and his cousins. There was pizza and chocolate chocolate chocolate cake. He didn't like the "babyness" of the singing part, but the rest of it kept him smiling.

We spent the night with some friends in Boulder City because we couldn't bear the thought of driving away again last night. Today will be another hard day, but yesterday was amazing.